The Balad of Surreal Justice,Lawrence Black and Jetboy by Rexkwondoe

As he sat in his living room contemplating his shortcomings and life failures a single tear ran down his nose.As it trickled down it dripped on to his one and only friend.Who is that friend?Why Twinkie the Kid of course!He was there when he was just a wee lad and never was picked to join the other kids to play.He was there at his High School prom when all the other girls looked the other way in disgust.Twinkie the Kid didn't.And when he finally decided to make something of himself and join the Police Dept.Twinkie the Kid was there.But that is where things went awry.The years of friendship with Twinkie the Kid made putting on the uniform troublesome.Plus the actual duties of a police officer seemed to complicated for our friend.When he tried to hold his service revolver the grease from his hands(Permanently embedded into them from years of twinkie handling)always made it difficult to grasp and control the piece.His life had been controlled by his twinkie addiction!"Why have you done this to me!"He shouted as he threw his beloved twinkie against the wall! Tears noew streamed down his face as he watched his one and only friend slide down the wall.Hurriedly he ran over to retrieve his companion."Twinkie it's not your fault I have failed at life"wiping away the tears from his eyes "It's the everyone else fault!" Thus he began his vindictive crusade against the good men and women in uniform who protect us from the dregs of society. His one and only friend was his downfall.Let this be a lesson to anyone who reads this.Instead of stuffing your face with mass produced cream filled treats.Try eating a carrot or apple or something.

The Legend of the Henchbroad

It was a shadowy, fog filled night as Bobby and I traveled across the marshy plane. Many stories had been written of men who traveled this lonely stretch of earth and never returned. But we didn’t believe it. We didn’t subscribe to old wives tales. In fact we considered ourselves intellectuals. Men of science and reason. How could we fall victim to the rambling stories of foolish men who lacked our educational prowess?”! No"! We told ourselves. We would prove once and for all that the legend of the Henchbroad didn’t exist!

We made camp around 10:00 pm. Two hours before the supposed beast was to appear. As we sat by our campfire we shared stories of our experiences with the townsfolk. How that over the years we tried to reason with them and convince them of their follies. We tried to explain the disappearances with logic. For instance when Billy McGillicuty came up missing we told the simpletons that he simply left town for a better job. Or when Ted Spectler went for a walk and never came back. We reasoned that he must have hitchhiked to Monroeville to visit his mother and decided to stay. But our efforts were to no avail. So tonight we decided to put an end to this mumbo jumbo of the Henchbroad once and for all.

As midnight creped closer we were feeling pretty sure of ourselves. Why we have been here almost two hours and not a sound. Not even a stirring of the leaves which covered the ground. We were filled with a sense of pride and bravado as we chose the words we would tell everyone when we returned the next morning. Then we heard it. A shriek that would kill the very soul of a man. Bobby looked at me and asked 'Was that a coyote...Yes it must be a coyote only a coyote would" RAWWWRRRREEEEEKKKKKKSSSSSS!!!! We heard it again but it was closer and louder! We quickly gathered our supplies and headed back to town. As we hurried toward our homes we heard something behind us. Not quite footsteps but something more sinister and primal. As our hurried walk turn into a trot the sound got closer. We didn’t dare look behind us in fear that some woodland beast would overtake us. The faster we traveled the quicker the sound came toward us until we were at a all out run! At this point is when I tripped on a root and fell flat on my face. As I slowly rolled over to assess my injuries I felt a presence over me. In fact it was a stench which permeated the air like a bad perfume. It was a mixture of Charlie and cigarette butts. Only a creature from the very depths of Hell could give off such an aroma. I reluctantly looked up and came face to face with the HENCHBROAD! Shear terror gripped at my heart as I looked at the hoofed beast! And at this point it began to speak..."HI!"."AHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRR"! I screamed as I scrambled away in fear of my life! As I ran for my life I could hear the clumping of her hooves as they dug into the ground gaining on me. But then It happened. The Succubus slowed and began to wease. Then she began to cough. Aha! Apparently the Henchbroads diet of diet cokes, slim jims, cigarettes, and men’s souls had caught up with her. She slowly turned away and slinked back into the darkness. Possibly to go back to her lair to revive herself with Twinkies and ho ho’s. Whatever the case I was free and returned to my home.

My friends I survived this ordeal in order to warn you. Never doubt the existence of a Henchbroad.

The Surgery Was a Success!

The pressure is on.....My hands must be steady and true.....A bead of sweat runs down my cheek.Will my patient survive?I`m not sure,but I must do my best.Let`s see I `ve never done a double transplant like this before.I check my patient and a blank expression is on her face.I wonder what the ramifications will be if I botch this surgery.Will she ever be accepted by society again?Or will she be thrown aside,discarded like a piece of old rubbish.And what of her new owner.Will she be able to sleep through the night knowing that I have failed her?AHA!One limb back in place,but now comes the tricky part getting the other limb back into place.The time is ticking away.My hands are starting to cramp.Can i turn to my partner?No I must do this alone.I must be the one to heal her.YES!The other limb is back in place.Now to tie off the the suture...careful....careful...I must tie a secure knot.Whew! the procedure is a success.Now to take the patient back to her loving owner.As I walk into the room I am filled with a sense of accomplishment and pride as I hear the owner say "Thank you Daddy for fixing my Barbie Doll!"I respond with a reassuring "It was nothing Sweetie,now remember her legs will not bend that way so be careful."Yes Dr.Geddon performed another successful double leg reattachment surgery.

Veteren`s Day

When i was a child I always loved to go to my Grandmother`s house.Of course mimmaw always spoiled me and my brothers. And she definitely made the best biscuits in Alabama but there was another reason why I loved to go to her house.I always wanted to see the two medals my grandfather was awarded during WWII (Bronze Star and Purple Heart)and I wanted to see the American flag they sent her because my grandfather didn`t get come home.He fell on a frozen piece of earth called Elsenburn Ridge in Belgium.He was killed during the Battle of the Bulge.He left behind a wife and four children.
I had always wanted to join the military in some way but life always seemed to interfere with my plans.Then on one fateful Tuesday morning our country was attacked and my fate was sealed.I joined the ALANG and I have not regretted my decision.Some people might say it`s corny to love your country and to be proud to wear the uniform but I know that one day(hopefully in the far future)That I too will have the honor of having our flag draped across my coffin.

"Rock deplaned this stormy, rainy afternoon; and as he did so, the heavens parted and the sun shone through illuminating the sky with a double rainbow. And Rock scowled". S.Gross