The Dead Horse Chronicles

Little known and yet finally compiled list of Dead Horse Facts. We would like to thank the following TimesDaily Forum posters for their input: Budsfarm, Tenn on my mind, lynnblount, rexkwondo72, mekirk2, SassyKims, Trutooit-II, FirenzeVeritas, Mr. Jones & Sheldivr. Also, I would like to thank my beautiful and talented wife/editor for compiling the 8 page forum thread into a single list.


Budsfarm:
1. What dead horse?
2. Buy a stronger whip and beat the dead horse.
3. Change riders.
4. Contact Personnel and demand an explanation.
5. Appoint a committee to study the dead horse.
6. Assemble a PowerPoint dead horse presentation.
7. Has the dead horse's warranty expired?
8. Visit subsidiaries to see how they ride dead horses.
9. Upgrade dead horse working conditions.
10. Have President Obama declare "the dead horse has already begun to awaken."
11. Increase standards to include dead horses.
12. Attend a Dead Horse Motivational Seminar
13. Assign the dead horse to Marketing.
14. Assign the dead horse to R&D.
15. Retrofit the horse with new tack.
16. Shorten the track.
17. Create a training session to increase the riders' load share.
18. Rotate the dead horse into FIFO inventory.
19. Discard the saddle; ride the dead horse bareback.
20. Point the dead horse in the opposite direction and note how well he maintains his position.
21. Reclassify the dead horse as living-impaired.
22. Change the form so it reads: "This horse is not dead."
23. Innovate benchmarks for industry dead-horse leaders.
24. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
25. Assign the dead horse to the graveyard shift.
26. Compare current riding to riding before horse acquisition.
27. Tighten the dead horse's cinch.
28. Factor in dead horse savings re food, water, and maintenance.
29. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
30. Appoint a Tiger Team to revive the dead horse.
31.T his dead horse was procured with cost as an independent variable."
32. Relocate the dead horse.
33. Send the dead horse to a continuing education course.
34. Send the dead horse to a convention.
35. Send the dead horse on vacation.
36. Authorize the dead horse for behavioral counseling under the company HMO.
37. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, deducting its full original cost.
38. Compare your dead horse's performance to other companies' dead horses.
39. Render unto Caesar.
40. Hire Arthur Anderson, Inc. to count your herd.
41. Provide additional funding to increase the dead horse's performance.
42. Threaten the dead horse with termination.
43. Downsize the dead horse.
44. Downsize the dead horse and retain it as a contract hire.
45. Downsize the dead horse and replace it with an entry-level dead horse at one-third the salary.
46. Discharge the dead horse for cause.
47. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
48. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
49. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore runs faster.
50. Proactively initiate parametric discounted cashflow/return on investment dead horse projections under varying microeconomic scenarios.
51. Issue a corporate mission statement to develop more "passion" for the art of horse riding.
52. List the dead horse as a new asset.
53. Survey the state of dead horses in today's business environment.
54. Repackage the dead horse.
55. Reassign fault to the dead horse's breeding.
56. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
57. Survey business school casebooks for dead horse models.
58. Require at least two more dead horses before this dead horse is validated as a dead horse source.
59. Re-engineer riding styles.
60. Renormalize standardized evaluations of riding ability.
61. Brand the dead horse and commission a music video for its introduction.
62. Base manager productivity evaluations upon the dead horse's performance.
63. Award the dead horse to a retiree.
64. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for dead horses.
65. Apply standards and metrics to the riding of dead horses.
66. Is it time for the company picnic?
67. Your horse was visiting the World Trade Center on 11 September 2001, wasn't it?
68. Write an SBIR grant application for national defense studies of necrofillya.
69. Declare the dead horse to be a trade secret.
70. Execute a major reorganization including one-time dead horse writeoffs.
71. Gather other dead animals and announce a diversity program.
72. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
73. Write off the dead horse as a Y2K incompatibility.
74. Dead Horse, Emeritus.
75. Call it a virtual horse dot com and spin off an e-business plus IPO.
76. Alert Homeland Security that your horse has been killed by Muslim terrorists and demand FEMA compensation.
77. Apply for a 7 figure federal grant to conduct an environmental impact study concerning methane gas produced by the dead horse and its effects on global warming.
78. Write a book about the anticipated odor of the dead horse. Name the book something like “An Inconvenient Truth” and receive the Noble Peace Prize for environmental issues.
79. Appoint Jesse Jackson Expired Equine Czar because of his career in horse manure. And beating dead horses.

Tenn on my mind:
80. Your committee reassess' the entire matter. Then makes the dead horse CEO.

Lynnblount:
81. The President implements a national set of rules and guidelines for the educational system to ensure that "no dead horse is left behind."
82. PETA stages a protest in Washington D.C. demanding that all dead horses be treated humanely.

Budsfarm:
83. Request bail-out for dead horses.
84. Have ACORN register dead horse to vote.

Rexkwondo72:
85.Dead horse receives his/her own show on MSNBC.And manages to surpass Olberman's ratings within a week.
86.Interviewed by Barbara Walters in ABC special.No response from horse when asked "If you we're a tree what kind of tree would you be?"
87.Horse caught in love triangle with Sarah Jessica Parker and a Hilary Swank.

Budsfarm:
88. Clinton appears on TV, points his finger at the camera, and swears he did not have sex with a dead horse.
89. Clinton impeached for lying.

Lynnblount:
90. A documentary is released proclaiming the dead horse a national hero and giving credit to the carcass for invention of the internet.

Budsfarm:
91. Neil Armstrong: “That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for a dead horse.”
92. The International Olympic Committee ruled Chicago ineligible for possible host site. Reason given was the host is allowed to enter a new Olympic sport and it was determined that the Chicago representative's favorite sport of constantly blaming of the previous administration amounted to beating a dead horse which is prohibited by IOC equestrian rules.

Lynnblount:
93. Tiger Woods was injured in a dead horse accident early Friday near his mansion in a gated waterfront community, authorities said. Windermere Police Chief Daniel Saylor says that Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren Woods, then smashed the dead horse with a golf club repeatedly.

FirenzeVeritas:
94. Reporters question horse's morality due to rumors it once pulled carriages in Las Vegas. Several White House reporters delve into horse's alleged lack of condom usage.

Rexkwondo72:
95.Dead horse will appear in an off Broadway production of Neil Simon's the Odd Couple with Nathan Lane as Oscar and the Dead Horse as Felix!

Tenn on my mind:
96. Gloria Allred has been retained as lawyer for Dead Horse. It is reported that D. H. is resting, at an undisclosed location. Ms. Allred, tells the press that, "my client is seeking help for a presciption drug addiction". Rumor has it, this began after a car accident. He failed the breath test at the time. Was fined and spent 24 hours in jail.

FirenzeVeritas:
97. Mug shot of Dead Horse appears on TMZ. Dead Horse rumored to have fired Gloria Allred and retained lawguy07. NF holds press conference in which he assails TD for not giving Dead Horse enough respect.
98. Geddon makes Facebook page for Dead Horse (who is unable to type for himself since he's dead) to present Dead Horse's case.

Rexkwondo72:
99.After 6 months in rehab Dead Horse stars in own reality T.V. show on VH1. Show is unexpectantly canceled because of inner turmoil with Dead Horse and co star Danny Bonaducci.

Trutooit-II:
100. Autopsy of Dead Horse reveals horde of smuggled diamonds/drugs.

Tenn on my mind:
101. Dead Horse has announced he will start, sexual identity reassignment therapy. DH, states "I have always felt that I was a filly in a stallion's body". "This is something I have dealt with for some time". This came as a big shock to DH's, several, ex-mates. Although one, who asked for anonymity, "there was several times I caught him wearing my bridle, I just thought it was a phase". Reassignment surgery is planned, sometime next year.

Trutooit-II:
102. Dead Horse cames name to Deidre and asks for understanding. Deidre Horse considered for Victoria's Secret shoot.

Tenn on my mind:
103. News flash!! Generalissimo Francisco Franco, who once owned, Dead/Deidre Horse is still dead.

Lynnblount:
104. BEIJING, Dec. 3 (Xinhuanet) -- The first nominees of the 2010 Grammys were announced on Thursday as the Recording Academy unveiled a handful of nominations for its 109 categories during a prime-time TV special.
This year's hits as Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Dead Horse On It)" and Lady Gaga's "Dead Horse Poker Face" became Grammy contenders for song of the year, along with Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me, Dead Horse".

Tenn on my mind:
105. In a related news item. Guess who the Academy just put on the list for an Oscar? If you guessed Dead Horse, you are correct. For a remarkable appearance, in the remake of "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?", Hollywood is all abuzz with excitment. Nothing like this, says one insider, since Lassie did "Dog Day Afternoon".

Trutooit:
106. Katie Perry sings "I kissed a Dead Horse" and brings down the grammys. Deidre (formerly known as Dead) horse rumored to be dating Russell Brand.
107. Local Tuscmbia police chief arrested for hit and run. Latest reports say Dead/Deidre Horse is dead and well, but mail box is in intensive care.

Rexkwondo72:
108. BCS bowls have been announced and it looks like Dead/Diedre Horse will play the University of Florida in the Sugar Bowl.When asked how he felt of his opponent Tim Tebow was heard saying "I`m totaly crying over here!(sniff)"

mekirk2:
109. Mysterymeat begins posting campaign against dead horse, states he is single hoofedly responsible for building and maintaining the 'blue wall.'

Trutooit-II:
110. NF protests Dead Horse at grammys and is arrested and placed in lockup with Tony Logan.
111. Meanwhile, Universal pictures calls up the ghost of Richard Harris to star in its new blockbuster "A man called dead horse."
112. Killen family hires Tim Case to file copyright infringement on the name "Dead Horse." No word on the similar title "Deidre Horse."

Rexkwondo72:
113. While accepting an award for Best Dead Animal of the Year Dead Horse is unexpectedly interrupted by Kayne West. Who declares "No disrespect. I know you are a good Dead Horse and all, but Dead Possum was the best Dead animal this Year!"

Tenn on my mind:
114. Deidre Horse, has tossed her hat into the political arena. Word is, Ms. Horse will run as an Independent. In her words, "a buggie in every barn and new hay in every trough". Tired of being labeled as " just an old grey mare", she will start a campaign for the eradication of Hoof and Mouth disease. Her first attempt in helping Joe Biden, was a total failure. Can a book signing be very far in her future? Title of new book, "Dreams of My Sire".

Sheldivr:
115. Watch for it on the NY Times Best Seller List, in January, "The Dead Horse Chronicles"...

SassyKims:
116. Surreal Justice posts video purported to be Sassy Kims tasing a dead horse after a traffic stop.
Sassy successfully shoots video down and explains that the officer was only attempting use an defibrillator to revive the horse, making SJ look foolish as usual.

Tenn on my mind:
117. Deidre Horse and her partner Fred Astaire, he's dead you know, will appear on the new season of, Dancing With The Stars. They are beginning an intense training program. Fred states, "since I was a "hoofer" all my life, this seems like a natural fit".

Trutooit-II:
118. Ginger Rogers states she's been dead longer than Ms. Horse and should have been chosen as Fred's partner. Says, "Anyone can beat Dead Deidre Horse, but it takes a real star to make it entertainment."

Mr. Jones:
119. I found this cool dead horse on eBay! Really cheap, too!
120. Can I get Dead Horse's Facebook contact?

Tenn on my mind:
121. There is no truth to the story that, Dead Horse is being deported! DH, reports that immigration enforcement raided his stable. Apparently, DH was born in Nicaragua. What ICE was unaware of, was the fact his sire and mare were both American Standard Bred. DH, produced his birth certificate and after conferring with his lawyer, all charges were dropped.
122. NEWS FLASH.......Dead Horse just killed Surreal Justice. The 911 call reveals that SJ, in a drunken stupor, attacked lawguy07. DH, was quoted as telling the operator. "I will shoot him grave yard dead", just before the shot was heard.

Trutooit-II:
123. Grand jury refuses to indict Dead Horse in murder of SJ. PresBO presents DH with Congressional Medal of Honor.

Lynnblount:
124. BREAKING NEWS: Secret diary is found in the estate of the late Michael Jackson. Excerpts reveal that the song "Beat It" was actually a love song that the King of Pop performed to express his obsession with a dead horse.

Trutooit-II:
125. News Flash, Dead Horse to march in Christmas parade tonight to protest carriage rides in Wilson Park.

FirenzeVeritas:
126. Bulletin: Lawguy holds press conference on courthouse steps to announce billion dollar suit against Tuscumbia Police Chief Tony Logan. According to Lawguy, Logan was directly responsible for recent injuries suffered by Dead Horse, stating, "While Dead Horse is not really any more dead, DH will suffer all its unlife from scars left by the mailbox."